i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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