one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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