I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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