Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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