Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
