Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
