What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
