The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
