I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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