Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
