Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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