iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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