a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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