you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
