This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
