Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize