fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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