they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
