why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
