I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
