I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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