Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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