I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So apparently I’m into choking now
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
