Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
