I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
