just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
