that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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