I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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