you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
