Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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