I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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