I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
