is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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