Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
