how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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