If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
