I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
