the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
