I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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