hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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