I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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