i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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