Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That accounts for only three of the penises
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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