she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
