Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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