My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
