Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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