eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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