my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
