Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
